Parenting Blog

I’ve been feeling a bit frustrated lately, I think I’m half wishing that the kids were old enough to really show the fruits of the way we’ve been parenting them. I want to have self-assured, self-confident, communicative and secure teenagers, say, and be able to feel like all the work we’re putting in now is paying off. Or perhaps its when I’m surrounded by friends who punish their kids and are always trying to stay in control of them, show them who is boss, and I feel like I look like I’m just being lazy or permissive - and I want to say ‘just wait, the respect I’m showing them now will make a difference in the long run’ (at least I hope it does!!!)

Its funny, too - having written that last paragraph I’ve said that we’re working really hard at parenting but coming across as if we’re doing nothing… I think a lot of the work we do at home on appropriate behaviour really pays off when we’re out, so that there is not much to do, the kids aren’t aggressive or rude - and they may be enthusiastic and run around a bit more than other people let their kids do but I’m not going to try and change that, I want them to be 2 and 4 year olds and do what kids do.

Some of my friends think that I have really ‘easy’ kids because I don’t spend my time having to ‘pull them into line’ or whatever when we’re out. But I think that is because - well, there’s 2 reasons - one, as I said, because we don’t tolerate inconsiderate behaviour and they know that so they don’t display it when we’re out, and two, because most things I will let go, as long as they aren’t harming anyone else. But yeah, we work hard on creating relationships with our kids, and as a result their behaviour is quite social, so things are a bit easier when we are out. At home its full on all the time, they feel safe here and are able to experiment with boundaries and working on enhancing the relationship all the time - but its definitely worth it.

A couple of weeks ago I felt like the kids were watching too much TV. They were asking to watch Playschool morning and afternoon, and if we were home I’d let them, as well as one or two programs either side of Playschool, and possibly a Wiggles or similar video as well during the day. It was never more than 2 or 3 hours a day (sometimes not even that) and I was very careful about WHAT they watched, but it was definitely feeling like too much. I was also finding myself looking forward to ‘TV time’ so I could get things done - always a sign that I’m overusing it.

So I decided we’d try for a week without TV. The first morning, when I said no, there were tears and tantrums from both kids but we were going out so I managed to distract them. That afternoon, Miss 3 started to get upset and I suggested she use her new drawing stencils - she didn’t look keen and then I realised that they are too young to adapt by themselves - if I’m cutting out one of their entertainment options I need to work with them to find a replacement. So I offered to draw with her and she was thrilled. I stayed playing with her for a while (and it was fun) then wandered off to do some housework, and she continued drawing for another hour or so.

The next few days the kids asked to watch TV and I said no, and the amount of tears diminished day by day (tantrums when I say no are always a good sign to me that they’ve been overloading…). By the 4th day they didn’t even ask - and suddenly we’ve got to 2 weeks and the TV hasn’t been back on. Its been great - they have been drawing and doing jigsaw puzzles for hours every day, and they are initiating those activities on their own, as well as other games. I’m trying to make sure I do sit down and play with them when they ask, which usually frees me up then after half an hour or so to have a good amount of time to get other things done - so I’m not missing out on productive time by cutting out the TV (which I was worried about, but figured it was important enough to cut the TV time that I would take the risk and just work around it).

Occasionally one of the kids will ask about Playschool and I’ll say ‘oh we’ve missed it’ and they carry on with what they were doing. I’m not saying that we won’t ever put the TV on again (although I could happily do without it) but I want to use it much more sparingly from now on. I do tend to cycle through lots of TV use then not much, but hopefully I can keep it to a minimum this time.

I haven’t had a chance to write anything for a while but hope to be blogging regularly from now on. We moved house about 2 months ago and the weeks before hand and since were busy with packing and unpacking, and in between trying to spend time with the kids and make sure the move wasn’t too stressful for them. The place we’ve moved to is in the country, surrounded by paddocks with cows and not far from a state forest, its a beautiful place and a wonderful lifestyle choice - just a little stressful getting here.

I think the hardest thing was balancing my need to pack/unpack the house with the kids’ need for my attention. It was hard packing while they were around (although Miss 3 did help a lot by putting random things in bags and boxes which I am still being surprised by…) so I had lots of offers from friends to look after them while I was busy. This worked for short periods but the kids tended to be quite clingy when they came back home so I could then get nothing done for the rest of that day. I also wanted them to be involved with the whole process because they were moving house too, and I felt that if they were involved it would be less stressful. So I did use my friends’ offers a few times but most of the time it was a family effort… And now we’re in the house and very happy and I’m slowly getting back to all my day to day activities.

I’ve been talking to a couple of friends lately about the concept of being ‘in charge’ rather than ‘in control’ of our kids. I think its a common perception that if a parent lets their kids make their own decisions, then the kids just do whatever they want all the time. But that really isn’t being responsible and not really teaching them about decision making… I tend to let the kids decide whenever possible, especially when its not important - so they decide what to wear (interesting sometimes…), what to play with, whether they walk or ride to the park, what they eat (to an extent) and so on. But every now and then something will come up where I feel its important that I make the decision - or I can’t cope with the negotiating involved in them making the decision - and then I will put my foot down and tell them what we’re going to do.

Whenever I do that though, I try to let them be upset and be angry at me if I’m going against what they want to do. For example this morning, Miss 3 wanted to wear a dress over tights - but it was a dress she’s had for a long time and its now pretty much shirt length, it is only just below her waist. I insisted that she wear a skirt as well - at first she was very resistant so I let it go for a few minutes, then went and got a skirt and helped her put it on. She actually accepted it quite easily in the end - I thought she’d get quite angry - when that happens, I try to acknowledge what she’s feeling and say ‘I know you don’t want to do it this way and I’m sorry that it makes you upset - but this is what we are doing’ and I let her have a cry or a yell or whatever. She gets over it pretty quickly - unless I get involved and start discussing it with her and trying to convince her of my decision. I tend to explain once at the start and then let it go otherwise we end up getting more and more frustrated at each other.

Its funny, she’s started to recognise the pattern - a few times lately she’s said she wanted to do something (say, stop at a playground on the way home from somewhere) and I’ve said ‘I know you really want to go there, but we’re going straight home today’ or similar - and I get as far as ‘I know you want to…’ and she starts protesting - she knows that that’s a “no”…

I think the key for me is not expecting the kids to always like my decisions, and allowing them to be upset or angry, and letting them express that - and making sure they get to make lots of decisions when I am able to handle it.

Other times I’ve been all for letting them decide things and I’ve just started to realise that sometimes its too hard for them. Miss 3 in particular can get very overwhelmed - and what she needs me to do then is step in and take charge, tell her what’s happening - again without expecting her to stop being upset - she will calm down once she’s expressed her needs - but trying to force her to make a decision at times is just unrealistic on my part.

Its easy to fall into that perception that everything should always be up to her, but she sometimes does need that help. I’m trying to pay more attention to where the kids are at and if they seem to be struggling then I can help them make decisions or do it for them - whatever is most appropriate for the situation.

This blog is a place where I plan to both share and develop my parenting philosophy.

The basis of the way I parent my children is respect. I’ve come across a lot of labels for various parenting styles and tried to fit what I do into some of those - but I just keep coming back to the concept of respect. I feel that nothing else has as much impact on kids as the amount of respect shown them by their parents, and other adults in their life. Its quite an unrestrictive concept as well - there are no rules, and parents can meet all their other priorities and values, just as long as their interactions with their children are respectful.

To me, parenting with respect means listening to what my children have to say (verbally or using body language, behaviour and so on) and giving them a voice in decisions which impact on them. It does not mean letting them do whatever they like - that’s hardly respectful as they will learn little about consideration for others. It means letting them make decisions and solve their own problems whenever possible, and allowing them to be upset when we make a decision that they don’t like. It means acknowledging that they are people with valid feelings and thoughts, just like their parents. It means meeting the needs that they have today, in a way that works for them and the rest of the family, today - instead of depriving them of what they need now because ‘they have to learn sometime’ to do without it. And it means looking at our role as parents as one of guidance and friendship - not control and power.

Every day I encounter situations with my kids where I am not sure what to do. Sometimes I need to talk or write about the situation until I can figure out a respectful way to deal with it - which is the main reason I’m starting this blog, as somewhere to explore ideas, figure out what the issue really is, get some perspective on the situation. I find that the way I do things is constantly evolving as I learn more about myself and my kids, and as they get older and their needs change.

I also want to put other options out there for people, as so much of what is written about parenting is about being in control and training your kids to do what you want them to do. That scares me a bit - children who are taught to do exactly what they are told can have all sorts of problems later when faced with new situations and they haven’t developed their problem solving skills… I’m not suggesting that the way I do things will work for everyone (or anyone) else (and I’m not trying to tell anyone what to do) - but seeing someone else’s ideas can often help us come up with a creative solution ourselves. For the same reason, I’d love to read your comments on my posts.

I think my parenting philosophy can be summed up as - do whatever you want to do with your kids, but do it with respect.